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musician jokes
General Musician Jokes
What's the difference between a musician and a large Pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
What do you say to a musician in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise..."
Why is the piano used in bands?
So musicians have a place to put their beers.
How can a musician make a million dollars playing?
Start with two million.
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Three souls appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter asked
the first one, "What was your last job and annual salary?" The first soul
replied, "$200,000; I was a trial lawyer." St. Peter asked the second one the
same question. The soul answered, "$95,000; I was a realtor." St. Peter
then asked the third soul the same question. The answer was "$10,000."
Before he could go on, St. Peter immediately said "Cool! What instrument
did you play?"
St. Peter was checking in three recently departed souls. "What did you do
on Earth?" he asked the first one. "I was a surgeon; I helped the lame to
walk." "Go right in through the Pearly Gates," said St. Peter. "What did you
do on Earth?" he asked the second one. "I was a teacher; I taught the blind
to see." "Go right in through the Pearly Gates," said St. Peter." "And what
did you do on Earth?" he asked the third one. "I was a musician; I brought
joy to sad people." "Good--you can load in through the kitchen," said St.
Peter.
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What did Kenny G and John Tesch say when they walked into the elevator?
"Man, this place is happenin!"
What does it say on a blues player's gravestone?
"I didn't wake up this morning"
If there really is a Devil who is out to destroy the universe by means of vile
conspiracies, and if God decides to deliver this message to humanity, He will
not use Oliver Stone as His messenger. But John Williams will write the
score.
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A trombone player and an accordian player are doing a New Year's gig at a
local club. The place is packed and everybody is loving the music. Shortly
after midnight, the owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys are
terrific--everybody is raving about the music. Would you like book here for
next New Year's Eve?" The two musicians look excitedly at each other, nod
agreement, and then turn to the club owner and say, "Sure, we'd love to. Is
it OK if we leave our equipment here?"
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Singer Jokes
How do you know when there's a singer at your front door?
Because he can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
What did the drummer ask the singer?
"Do you want this too fast or too slow?"
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Drummer Jokes
What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.
How do you know there's a drummer at your front door?
Because the knocking gradually gets faster and faster and faster...
What does a drummer say right before he gets fired?
"How about if we play one of my original tunes?"
A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to
play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in,
approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there
and that accordion." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies
"OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".
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Keyboard Player Jokes
If an agent and a keyboard player are standing in the road, which one
should you run over first?
The agent - business before pleasure!
If Adolf Hitler, Saddam Hussein, and a keyboard player walked into a room,
and you only had two bullets, who should you shoot?
The keyboard player...twice.
What did the keyboard player say when the bass player asked him how to
spell "Mississippi?"
"The river or the state?"
How do you get a keyboard player away from your front door?
Pay for the pizza.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a keyboard player's arm?
A tattoo.
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Guitar Player Jokes
How do you make a guitar player turn down?
Put a chart in front of him.
What do you call a building full of guitar players?
Jail.
Why do scientists prefer to use guitar players over rats for experiments?
Because they breed faster and people don't get attached to them.
Did you hear about the guitarist who played in tune?
Neither did I...
A guitarist named Alex Opornockity played a whole concert with a flat 'B'
string. It seems Opornockity only tunes once.
Three guitarists collaborated on a book of scales. Each contributed the one
he knew.
Why do guitar players like to tour in the summer?
So they can visit all their kids.
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Bass Player Jokes
What are the three most difficult years in a bass player's life?
Second grade.
If a drummer and a bass player fall off a building at the same time, who will
hit the ground first?
Who cares?
What's the difference between an electric bass and an upright bass?
The upright burns longer.
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A couple was having marital difficulties and consulted a marriage counselor.
After meeting with them, the counselor told them that their problems could
all be traced to a lack of communication. "You two need to talk," he said.
"So, I recommend that you go to a jazz club. Just wait until it's time for the
bass player to solo. Then you'll be talking just like everyone else."
During his first lesson the student was given four notes to practice on just
the first string of his bass guitar. The next week he was given four more
notes to practice on just the second string. After that, the student never
returned for another lesson. A year later the teacher met him on the street.
After exchanging pleasantries, the teacher asked: "Aren't you going to
continue with your lessons?" "Oh yes, I've been meaning to," the student
replied "but I just can't find the time. I've been getting so much work..."
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Beyond the Bass Clef: The Life and Art of Bass Playing (attributed to Tony
Levin)
In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision,
but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old...
definitely pre-C.B.S.
And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was
very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would
later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.
And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red,
and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang
through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb
came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He
smiled at his handiwork.
Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it
was funky.
And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good.
And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to
practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set
of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a
breeze through the heavens.
And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He
had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of
furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased.
And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"
Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new
ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the
heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion.
(Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.)
And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And
He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I
would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."
And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But
now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the
frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his
fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck.
And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord,
and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the
heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled, and rolled.
Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the
man.
And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall
create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even
think of."
"And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play
so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand
next to the drummer."
"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to
make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other
instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the
bass."
"And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other
musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you
play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they
shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and
find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to
play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night."
"And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand
and go to the bar for a drink."
Yea, and it was so.
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Classical Jokes
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and
heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable
music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town
magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a
moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played
backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's
backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's
the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate;
he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the
cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart
decomposing."
